Mom, Am I Fat?

Your child’s room is strewn with clothing as she searches desperately for something to wear that “looks decent.” As the piles become heaps, still nothing looks good enough. She peers into the mirror and sees only that her physical appearance does not measure up to the standards she has set for herself. Her eyes see “fat” everywhere she looks, her belly, her thighs, her face, her hips. She turns to you and the dreaded question emerges.  “Mom, am I fat?” You look at your daughter in wonderment. To you, she is the picture of health, trim and fit.  Now comes the challenge…how to respond.  

To quote W.C. Fields, sometimes “a cigar is just a cigar…;” sometimes such a question is simply an innocent request for a status report on her body size and appearance.  More often than not, however, it can be the tip of an emotional iceberg, a thinly veiled indicator of other underlying concerns, and a confession of her fears… about being or becoming fat, about losing self-control, about dealing with her own self-loathing, about an obsessive compulsivity regarding food and body weight that interferes with her daily functioning.  A child’s preoccupation with food and eating is typically a warning sign that she has begun to struggle with a shaky sense of self, a distorted self- perception, body image concerns, and faulty judgment that could lead her down a slippery slope to a clinical eating disorder.

A normal response coming from a parent might be, “Are you kidding/crazy?  Of course you’re not fat!  You are just right!” leaving the child with a sense that you may be questioning her judgment and sanity in even having asked such a question. She may hear that you are either biased in her favor, or just plain dishonest and not to be trusted, or that you just don’t know what looks good or how important it is to be thin; she may decide to leave you out of the loop altogether next time, as you clearly can’t be of help to her. On the other hand, if you were to respond, “Well, you do look a little rounder around the middle,” there is a good likelihood that she will be plunged further into the depth of despair and anxiety, experiencing an ever increasing preoccupation with her body image and resolution that there is no alternative for her but to diet rigorously. It is no wonder that parents feel confused, trapped, and frightened in their own right for being in what appears to be a no-win situation with their pre-adolescent and adolescent daughters… and these days, with children who may be no older than five or six. 

Whatever your child is attempting to communicate, it is the responsibility for you as a parent to investigate the query with open ears and an open mind, to tread softly but assuredly, prepared to recognize potential problems and respond clearly and decisively, nipping problems in the bud. Be grateful that your child has chosen to bring you into her inner world by sharing what may be her deepest concerns, and then hone in to decipher what your child may really be saying. Chipping away at the possible significance of a child’s comment or question brings parents to critical discoveries through a process called active listening.

Four easy steps to Active Listening
Active listening is the currency of a healing connection between parent and child that allows parents to remain authoritative and parental in teaching important life lessons and imparting self-actualizing values. Active listening responses often take the form of questions.

“Mom, am I fat?”

Eating disorder prevention saves lives and protects children from unnecessary suffering. It starts with a parent’s willingness to listen and to establish an effective parent/child connection through probing, sensitive and caring communications. The nature of this connection will change through the years and through life experience to accommodate the growing child’s changing needs and increasing autonomy and they will take diverse forms.  It is critical that parents appreciate the power of this connection and their input in their child’s life throughout the child’s stages of development, from childhood through adolescence, young adulthood, and beyond.