A letter to Shyness as written by J., 10 years old
Dear Shyness,
I am pushing you away for the sake of freedom and to have more fun. You
have bothered me for the last two years and I have had enough of you. You have
prevented me from making friends, ordering food and talking to people. You
made me nervous and afraid and smile for no reason. You even made me say or do
the wrong things and that made me feel weird and mad at myself. I have been
feeling very lonely and bored because of you because sometimes there was kids
that I wanted to play with but felt too shy. Shyness, you kept me from playing
sports and having any fun. You made me feel hopeless and robbed me of my
special talents. I've discovered that you are like sunglasses that you can't
see thru so you don't know if you will fall, get hurt or which way to go. You
made me doubt myself and question what I should do and what would people think
of me. Shyness, I have also discovered that you work with Worries. You made me
worry about the sound of my voice and wonder if people would laugh at me.
Shyness, on the top of it all, you even squeezed my throat and made my
stomach hurt and that was very mean. You made me twitch my hair and people
would often see only the top of my head because you made it hard to keep my
head up.
But then one day I got upset at you and decided to at least try to defeat
you. I was encouraged to defeat you and I was successful. I started ignoring
you and decided to do things I wanted to do. So I walked regular and when I
was talking I looked in people's eyes. Then I even said a presentation in my
class at school without you and ordered my own food in a restaurant. I didn't
give you no time to attack me. Then I found out that you were keeping me from
being funny with people and that is one of my special talents. Now I use my
imagination against you and think positive. I know that you have been telling
lies about me and about people. Now I know that I can do it and that people
are nicer than what you say.
J. 5th grade
_____________________________
"Voices of change" by S.T. 17 years old
I first realized
that there was more than one of me one morning while on my way to school. The
bus arrived early that day and for some reason I hesitated to run for it. I
had stopped and was aware of a debate between different parts of me. One part
of me was saying "everybody will see you run across the street, they will
think that you look stupid, you might trip and fall, you will be humiliated,
you will probably miss the bus anyway and the driver will probably not bother
waiting for you". The other part of me was saying "you can do it,
get out there and try at least, otherwise you will have to wait another hour
for the next bus". From then on I discovered that these debates were
constant in my mind and that I was arguing with myself about everything! There
was a weak voice which was the one that supported me, that believed in me and
that wanted me to have freedom and fun. And then there was a part that I came
to call the "Critical Voice" which was constantly putting me down.
It would comment on everything. I can still remember it's nagging, despising
voice saying things like: "You don't deserve anything good",
"you're ugly", "no one likes you", "you should lose
weight", "you have to diet more, exercise more", "you have
no will power", "nobody is there for you anyway", "you
should hide your body", "your legs...", "you blew it
again", "you'll never make it", "you're annoying",
"you're responsible for the break-up", "you're worthless"
, "you do everything wrong", "what are they going to think
about you".....
This critical voice would make me feel hopeless and powerless. It kept an
encyclopedia of what I did wrong and made me feel guilty about it. It made me
feel as though I was responsible for everything that went wrong. It was there
at every second of the day and made it hard to do the simplest things such as
doing my class work, reading out loud, or presenting in front of the class. It
would say :"Don't even try, you know you'll look like a fool and you'll
fail"; they will all laugh at you". I was believing it. It was like
a heavy and maladjusted backpack that would grind into your shoulder and
strain and bruise your neck all day long. It would become particularly strong
when I was alone, when I was in front of a group of people, when nobody would
listen to me or when I felt powerless with people who had authority on me. The
worse was probably when I was in front of a mirror: it would criticize harshly
absolutely everything about me. It made me compare myself to other girls and
wish I was like them. It made me change clothes several times before going out
because "nothing never looked good on me". It made me hate my body,
feel ashamed of myself and desperately wanting to change how I looked. It
often prevented me from eating even when I was starving and then when I
couldn't stand the starvation anymore I would binge on any bad food. Of course
that was then a great opportunity for the Critical Voice to make me feel
guilty, count all the calories I had just ingested and require that I starve
myself again to compensate for that shameful "lack of control".
Sometimes I couldn't even concentrate on my classes because I would think of
food all the time or of how much I needed to diet.
It's sarcastic voice prevented me from dancing (I love dancing), from
talking to people or standing up for myself. Ironically it made me feel so bad
about myself that I was insecure with people and then it would come out and
say "you're so clingy". I could never win. It made me think that if
I did not have a boyfriend it meant that I was worthless. It's goal really was
to ruin me, to take away my confidence, my courage, all the fun in my life and
to isolate me. As a matter of fact, it even made me forget sometimes that I
had friends and a mother who really did care for me. I believed it more and
more, believed that I was worthless and that I couldn't do anything right. I
now realize that it prevented me from thinking straight. It's effects on my
life was like trying to read a book in a strobe light.
After unmasking it's constant and daily presence in my life, I got really
upset at it, I got fed up. I realized it was not my voice but the voice of
everyone in society who told me these things. They were not ME. As soon as I
realized this I was on my way to regaining the control of my life and a much
happier lifestyle. Day by day I forced myself to look in the mirror and
realize the great qualities that I possessed inside and out. But the real big
step was probably when I went out and decided to dance at a party. It felt so
good and I loved it so much. I was with friends, I felt surrounded by care and
I was more self-confident which allowed me to ignore it and for once, move
completely freely and carelessly. Of course however, freedom and fun was not
going to happen so easily. Another girl had to comment negatively on how I
looked (a girl who most likely was struggling with her own Critical Voice):
"Gosh, you look really weird when you dance". That's when the
unbelievable happened. Normally, it would have destroyed me and overwhelmed my
mind with the Critical Voice. It could have been so despising and loud that I
would probably not have been able to even hear the music anymore. But that day
I surprised myself and replied " If you don't like the way I dance then
don't look at me" and tried my best to not worry about it by focusing on
the music. Later, I couldn't believe that I had been able to say that! It
taught me that I could do it, that I could ignore it and not let it ruin my
fun. From then on, I decided to listen more and more to the real me, to give
myself more freedom to be myself. I decided to stop worrying about what people
thought of me, to stop trying to impress anyone. I realized that I knew what
was best for me and that I could create my own happiness by not listening to
the Critical Voice or anyone who would support it. I stopped wearing make-up
all the time and started feeling that I had some rights in this world. I
decided that I wanted to be someone and not just somebody. I worked on
accepting myself, my body and all it's parts. I tried eating regularly and
exercised just for fun instead of for changing my body. I stopped weighting
myself and accepted that it's normal for the human body's weight to fluctuate.
Looking back on those diet days I now realize that the Critical Voice was
distorting everything negatively, especially my view of my body. And of course
I did somewhat look unhealthy because of what it was doing to me. Since I eat
now, I have less headache, more energy, I'm less tired and I have more muscle
tone. I also have much less of a hard time walking up and I just quickly
glance at the mirror when I dress up. I don't spend much time in front of the
mirror because I don't think it is so important anymore and, to avoid giving
it an opportunity to come back. I also decided to believe in some of my
qualities and abilities. That was particularly hard since I had never believed
that there was anything positive about me even if people would compliment me.
Because of the Critical Voice, I always thought that they were just trying to
be nice and that it was not true. Now I was able to say "thank you"
and enjoy it! I was able to acknowledge for the first time ever that I , like
most other human beings, have strengths. I could see that I am smart,
determined, quick, creative, friendly, open-minded, non-judgmental and
recognize that I could be successful. I started hanging out with people who
supported ME instead of supporting the Critical Voice. I started getting angry
at people who did not treat me right and who were disrespectful. I started
thinking that I deserved better. It felt like a rebirth, like being alive.
There was now 90% Me and 10% Critical Voice.
Now I feel like a warrior, a freedom warrior. I recently discovered that
the Critical Voice was allergic to love and acceptance. So I started liking my
name, making songs with my name and recognizing that I was a unique person! I
am ME and I can do whatever I want. I significantly improved my grades in
school and can dream of going to college and having a good job. Recently
someone told me that she didn't like my clothes; I immediately replied:
"I don't care, you're not the one wearing them" and then didn't
think about it anymore! I have found this way of answering back to respect
myself while not attacking these critical people. I understand that they
probably struggle themselves with a big Critical Voice. So people around me
have noticed that I am more assertive, and that I don't put up with stuff
anymore. I think they see me as being more friendly (since I don't doubt every
word I say), more caring and more fun to be around. I also feel that I have a
better reputation at school and that there is less gossiping about me. I
discovered that when you think that there is something wrong with you, others
are quick to believe it. Now I am proud of myself. My voice tells me that I
deserve to love myself. It and I are one. I can gladly say "Me! That's
who I am! That is all I could ever be! That is all I want to be! I am here and
it is time to love ME"!
S.T., 11 grade
